Yes, yes, I know. I understand the toilet brush is rife with intriguing and forbidden human smells. But that does not mean I can condone your pulling it out of the bathroom to play with it in the living room. I know it’s an incredibly fun and fragrant object. I know when you toss it up in the air, it’s almost like it’s alive the way it bounces on my nice carpets, splattering wetness that I can only hope is your slobber. But if you will look closely at the legal contract you signed when you took up residence in our humble abode, you’ll find that toilet brushes, toilet plungers, toilet paper — indeed, all manner of furniture appertaining to the human use of the toilet — is strictly off-limits to you. I think your lawyers will confirm that something being “totally, irresistably fun!” is simply not a defense that will stand up in a court of law. Not a human court of law, anyway. And as you must recall from the contract, we agreed to have any such disputes tried in a human court, instead of a dog court. This acceptance of venue may seem like a terrible mistake to you now, especially with the recent ruling by Judge Rover upholding Scamp vs. His Humans supporting a dog’s right to unspool any such toilet paper as might be left unguarded, but I assure you, we really don’t want to take this situation to the next level. Please, just play with the approved toys provided to you at regular intervals (e.g., bouncy orange ball, fuzzy red bone, pressed chewy-toy, and braided tuggy) and we will be able to continue with the collegial relations we have enjoyed for over seven months now.
With love and concern,
Dewey, Cheatem & Howe,
Attorneys at Law,
on behalf of: Your Mom.
P.S. What is it with you and toilets, anyway?
